To someone who might understand this…

Hello. It’s been a long time since we talked to each other. And what I mean by each other is only the two of us. Do you even remember when was the last time we talked? I bet you don’t, since I can’t even remember it. Usually, when I remember something, you won’t remember it. If you can’t even remember what I remember, how can you remember what I can’t? 🙂 It’s alright, though, since it wasn’t important.

Several nights ago, you called me. Suddenly. In the middle of the night. And because I didn’t answer it since I was asleep, you sent me text, saying that we have to talk something important. When I read your message the morning after, I thought it was something urgent. It made my heart beat faster. I tried to call you, but you didn’t answer. That time, I assumed you were still sleeping, so I left a message asking you what happened.

In the afternoon, you replied my message by saying nothing, let’s talk later. I didn’t reply your text because I was pretty mad, not knowing if it’s because of you, or because of myself. The thing is, questions came up to my mind, why you suddenly showed up personally after months or even years without making any touch with me? You came back without any signs, acting like there was nothing happened with us, while actually my heart was beating like crazy, either hoping for something impossible to happen or guessing what is actually happened.

While I had done with my work, I talked about you with a friend. I talked a lot about your family, about the possibilities of something impossible, about how much I care about your family while neglecting the feeling I have towards you, and about what kind of feeling that I actually have towards you. We finished the phone call around 10 or 11 in the evening, and after that I tried to busying my self by strolling around social media so I can get you out of my mind.

It was almost 1 am when suddenly your name popped up again in my phone, asking me if I already asleep. I sighed but trying my best to response you. When I said I haven’t, you called me. You talked cheerfully and I tried to response like I have no burden while actually I was trying my best not to snap at you.

Why you suddenly came back personally to me? Why you suddenly having a conversation again with me after all these times? Why you asked me how is my feelings towards you? Why you asked me if I still like you? Why?

Yes, I’m over you already. Yes, I don’t like you anymore. Yes, I don’t care about what you do or with whom you do it. But the truth is, your existence around me is kinda disturbing, especially if you show up personally like this.

The thing is you never really left me. You are too far to keep in touch with me. We are too awkward to have a routine conversation (or maybe it’s only me). You are too good with your life and your new partners or friends, but yet you are still there, in my circle, in our circle. When you showed up sometimes, you are never too far for me to reach, but you are not close enough. You are not close enough for me to have a conversation like we used to several years ago. You are not close enough for me to suddenly approach you, talked about things in my family or unnecessary things that is going on in my life.

I hope, after I write this… My feelings will be over completely. I just can’t, and everything behind me, until this, are enough. I need and I want to move on.

Thank you, and good bye.


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