a tiny bit of myself Journal Self

living life with an unstoppable mind

well, such a very long time since the last time I wrote here. life has been well so far for me. what about you?

I suddenly want to write but I don’t know where I should write it without disturbing people. I want to write it on Instagram, but the app has been used until its limit today (I set two hours as the daily limit usage), so I think my website should be the best choice I have now.

so, what’s up world? how you’re doing?

I wish it is good. I don’t have anything much to share actually. like usual, it is just me and my unstoppable mind which is rushing here and there, thinking about things that I myself don’t quite understand why should I think about that. this time, my mind rushed to when I used to write a lot and share things a lot on Instagram. I just finished watching youtube on topics like quitting the day job and become a freelancer. after that, I let my mind wander for a while, thinking and reflecting back to myself.

what about me?

many people I know from social media are able to be happy, like fully happy because they managed to pursue their dream. some of them I know were pursuing on become a freelancer, some of them want to become an entrepreneur, some of them just want to live however they like it.

then again, what about me?

I think about it. what makes me happy? when was the last time I feel content with my life, with everything I have, with how my life looks and feels like? I tried to remember it, and the time or moment that popped up in my mind was when I freely and often share things on my Instagram stories. besides, it was when I dressed up every day in a way that I like, then right after I finished my day job and went back home, I continued studying mandarin and drawing, or maybe illustrating. it was around a year ago if I’m not mistaken.

when I thought about this, my mind then wander again to, then why did I stop doing these things, and become like the current version of myself? less sharing, less storytelling, less writing, less drawing, less dressing up? I kinda figure the answer. it’s because I was afraid of being judged by people who see my writing. it’s because I was not feeling comfortable with my current situation and the place where I work. it’s because I started to lose hope and not being excited anymore with life.

gradually, slowly, everything becomes clear for me. I don’t really like the place where I work now. I don’t really like what I’m doing with my job now. I like the previous job more than the current one because I was able to dress up myself, I was good with my job, and everything was comfortable enough for me to do the other things. I like writing and sharing things. I might even love them because now when I don’t do it anymore, or as often as I used to, I started to feel like there is something missing in my life, or maybe in myself. I like studying mandarin because I never get bored of doing it every day. I like illustrating or drawing (even though the result was not good enough hahaha) because that’s when my mind went quiet and focus on what I’m doing.

thanks to my unstoppable mind, I am able to find out things about myself, what I like and what I don’t. thanks to my rushing mind, I am able to be aware of my feelings, how I feel, and see things that I do. but, even though I just thank my mind twice, I sometimes still blame my mind too. because of my mind, I often overthink. because of my mind, I often complicate many things. because of my mind, I often feel unreasonably worried or afraid. because of my mind, I often look too far and forget my being right now.

so, the question is… should I thank my mind, or should I blame my mind? I dunno… you tell me.

 

living with an unstoppable mind,
aini a.k.a your meymey

 

*pictures: credit to the owner, downloaded it from Pinterest

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