This a little bit hard to talk but I think I can write it. This is so personal for me, but you are allowed to read. Feel free to ask later.
I wasn’t born in a good family. Instead, this situation is beyond my imagination. I never thought that my life was and still that complicated. Since I was a kid, I never got full attention from my parents like other kids got. My parents are parted but they are not divorced. They lived in a different place and I lived with my mom. Sometimes, my dad came and visited me. At one time, he could sleep over a night or two, but at the other time he only came by and left again.
When I was a kid, or maybe until I was a teenager, my family’s finance condition was pretty good, but I was often left with my nanny or a housemaid because my mom went to work. It was always be like that until I’m about thirteen years old. My family’s finance slowly went bad and the only housemaid at home being carried with my mom to help her business because she didn’t have any workers in her store anymore to reduce the business’ expenses. As a result, I was left alone in my home —I am also the only child in the family. It wasn’t a problem for me because I always being an independent kid such as going to school alone since I was 8 or 9 years old by riding a bike, but it was pretty shocking for me for a moment in my life because suddenly I have to prepare my own food by bought it outside or order something from a restaurant and the food would be delivered to the house when usually, my food was already well-served at the dining table. Of course I could adapted to the situation quickly but the real problem of my life started that time and I didn’t realize it at all.
Because I was left alone and that time was a moment in my life where I should got love and attention from my parents, I often drowned my self with my thoughts. Everything at that time was so perfectly happened in the wrong moment. I was a teenager that going through puberty, but yet I was left alone and I was very aware that I am so different from any other people around me because of my family’s complicated and never ending problems such as the harmony and financial.
Slowly, day by day, my appetite increased drastically but I lost my desire to do anything. Weirdly, my weight didn’t increase at all, but it also didn’t decrease. I never had trouble with going to sleep but I had trouble with getting up from sleep. I could sleep for a long time and after I woke up, I didn’t want to get up. I would just stay inside the duvet for hours and I often refused to take a shower even when it was already late and my mom would be angry because I didn’t want to. She often said that I was lazy and it was very unlike her. I often lost control with my emotion so I would snap back at her and we would ended up fighting each other with our words and tone.
I was very aware of myself that there was something wrong with me. I didn’t know what is it but I know it consuming my energy. It also changed me emotionally. I realized that that thing happened to me because of this complicated problems in my family and I tried desperately figuring how could I finish every single problems, but I couldn’t do anything other than letting my thoughts consuming me from time to time, so in the end I tried to busying myself with school projects, organization, and going out with my friends to their home or cafes, or sometimes invited them to my home so I won’t be alone and left with my thoughts.
One day, I read an article about depression and suddenly I know that I was having it. I often felt really really tired even when I didn’t do anything, but I couldn’t explain why do I feel tired. I also often felt like I want to end this life but something inside me said that it wasn’t a wise choice. I often felt lonely, thinking that I had no one beside me. Even though I have family and friends, I just thought that they won’t be there, they won’t understand my feeling, and I didn’t want to be a burdensome for them by telling my feelings. Every time I felt really tired with myself or my life, I cried a lot. Loudly and sounds desperate. I often did it because there was no one in my home and because it could make me feel a little bit better. Every thing that I felt, was written in that article. I knew that I need a professional help but I just couldn’t say it to my parents because I knew that they won’t take it seriously, they will think that I’m weird, and they also didn’t have the budget to take me to the doctor, so what I did to free myself from that toxic things were by trying to pray, watch a lot of dramas because I like it, and going out a lot until late so my mind couldn’t think a lot of unnecessary things.
It was a really hard time for me. I don’t really know what makes me survived until this time, but one thing for sure I got a lot better because of His help. I don’t know if this can be applied to the others with same mental illness but I do really think that if you realize that yourself might have mental illness and not know how to tell people, well maybe you can try praying. I know it won’t be much help but at least it will make you think that there is hope in Him, even though we can’t really see what His plans.
I’m not saying that by praying you will be cured from it but what I’m saying is it really helps you to stay sane even when things are going beyond our will. I do think that it will be a lot better if you have the budget to go see a doctor and ask for help, or pluck up your courage to ask your surroundings for help because it’s not something to be ashamed about, but if you don’t have the budget or you think you can’t collect the courage inside yourself, well trying to be busy, and ask Him for another strength to live this life will be nicer and wiser choice rather than trying to suicide.
I was desperately want to suicide but every time I wanted to do it, something deep down in my heart will speak so loud so I can think about my family. I know they love me so much, but they are also human and they can make mistakes. It is so normal for them to unable to show their love in an appropriate way to me. What will they feel when they know we killed our own self? They will be freaking sad, or they will feel guilty all their life even when it’s not their fault. I know we might think that everything that happened in our life must be their fault, but it’s so human and it’s normal for people to make mistakes. It’s not like they want to do it deliberately, especially if they know that their mistakes could lead us to this horrible illness. Or if you think that you are not good enough for your own life, or for this world, what can I say is there is no people who is good enough for their own life or this world. Realizing that you are a human and every human definitely have a shortcoming because there is no one perfect is what you should think about. Keep telling yourself that you are human and it is normal to not be good enough for your own life.
Instead of asking more from people to show their love or support to us, we should be grateful for everything we have until now even though that’s not what we really need or want. I know that we need support from people. I also know that we need someone to say that you have done a good job, or someone to accompany us without saying any words and just be there with us but we are too afraid to ask them because we don’t want to be a burden to them, but it’s not a reason to end your life. What you need to do is pat your own shoulder and say “This shall pass. You have done a good job. It’s okay to take a rest without doing anything, but you have to get up and live more when you are done resting.”
If I can say something again, I don’t even know if I’m still depressed or not. Sometimes when I am alone, my mind often consumes me just like these past years. Anything could be the source of my endless thinking and the feel of loneliness. Sometimes it’s really hard for me to get up and do things normally. Sometimes I also cry a lot without any sounds because I don’t want people in my home know —because right now I’m not live alone anymore. Sometimes it feels so tiring even when I didn’t do much at that day. But I know there is something wrong with me, and I don’t want to be defeated by my own illness, so what I like to do is having me-time for hours or days to rest and release my depression or stress, but after that I told myself that everything I feel right now is something evil and I should do something to get over it. It doesn’t mean that I’m not stressed or even depressed when I do things like normal people do. Instead, when I try to busying myself from day to night, it means that I am really in a bad condition. It just I don’t do it passionately. I just do it because I had to, not because I want to, but that’s what makes me keep living this life until now.
I realize and acknowledge my own illness and shortcomings, and with that I also try to survive this cruel life. I try to not use my mind when it comes to problems —even though it’s hard— and use my heart to give everything to Him as I try to rest and let Him do His job.
I’m not sharing this to give advise or trying to be seen I could understand the feelings of the depressed, but I want to share my own experience and how do I live with it throughout these years. It sucks, and I hate it, but I can’t get over it completely without any help from the professional since I don’t have the budget, but I can help it to not get worsen by strengthening myself with keep telling my self in front of the mirror that I have family and friends who loved me in their own ways, I have a life from Him that I have to live even when I don’t have any dreams or purpose to living this life, I am a human just like the others and it is normal for us to make mistakes and not be perfect. I am still the same person from years ago who often being consumed by my own mind, but I can live this life until now without knowing if I am depressed or not even when I often feel things that I felt back then and I’m sure that I was depressed. My family’s condition is not getting better, but I know I can get better with my own self.
I hope you understand my situation, and if you think that you have the same situation like me, I also hope that you can understand your own situation. Try to live with it and overcome it. I know it’s hard and it sucks, but you can’t get over it only in one night. Only yourself who can make it better, and you need a professional help to get over it completely.
I can’t help people but I can share things that I did. If it helps, then it is my pleasure. If it doesn’t, it’s normal because I’m not a professional. I am just someone who live with it and try to not be defeated by it.
It was hard to write this —I need hours to get this done, but I am happy I can share this to the world. Whoever read this until this line of sentence, thank you for reading my story. You are a human being and it’s normal to think or feel. You just have to control it.
Written with love,