a tiny bit of myself Journal Self

how i see life

when i was a kid, i thought being a grown-up will be an exciting experience. seeing how the grown-up around me always being busy with their life, i thought mine will be like that too. full of exciting events, freely decide anything about life, achieving anything and be proud of it. but when i became one, i started to see the unseen.

who has thought that living life will have ups and downs? who has thought that either being a kid or a grown-up, we all will always have our boring days and our hectic days? who has thought that neither being a kid or a grown-up will always have all the fun and not the ordinary?

it took me decades ⁠—since i’m only in my twenties, to finally understand that everyone, no matter what is our age, will always have the same life. how can i say that everyone has the same life? because, in my point of view, no matter what we do, activities, job, business, projects, literally everything, we would always have the same routine. waking up in the morning, get ready, maybe some could have their own morning routine, but some need to rush immediately to their next schedule, then we all are doing our things like school, work, taking care of children, or maybe chores, business, meetings, even maybe taking care of the garden in the back of the house. and by the end of the day, we all are getting ready to sleep, after some doing their relaxation time, and some finishing their responsibilities. it is basically just the same routine for everyone, right? wake up, doing our thing, eat, doing another thing, then sleep. and we will obviously repeat that by the next day.

recently after i got this realization, i kinda let the stoic and ’emotionless’ emotion take over my mind and soul. knowing that every day would be the same routine even though maybe i could have some differences in some moments on that day, i let my day slip away just like that because i have no spirits left. i started being less excited about life and all the things in it. i started to be less ambitious about accomplishing things. why, you may ask? because i thought, nothing would make the difference even if i work hard to spend my time in a day. what difference? i would still have only 24 hours in a day. i would still have to live seven days a week and thirty days a month, more or less. it would still be 365 days a year, and it would still be the same life after all.

i was being ignorant to the point where i intentionally care less about things and my dreams and everything in my life. why? because i thought at the end of the day, everything would still happen at its own pace, no matter how i do it. if it’s mean to be mine, then it will happen. if one problem is meant to be mine, then no matter how hard i try to prevent it, it would still happen. if one thing is meant to be mine, then no matter how hard i juggle between things and problems, no matter how many times i lost it in the process of getting it, eventually it would still be mine.

i thought being this ignorant is fine because i have no control over anything in this world, only God has it. i thought that by care less about things in this world, i would have peace and wisdom in my soul. i thought that by aim nothing in life, or by having no exact goals in this life, i would not be worried about anything, i would always be calm, happy, peaceful, any time, any day. but, does it really happen? of course not. i still got worry about things, i still got anxious about things, i still felt empty even with everything i already have, i still felt guilty whenever i didn’t try my best with things in my life.

so, how do i see life now? is there any changes after all the feelings and situations that are still there, even after i try to be ‘ignorant’? i see it slightly differently than before. yes, everything would still happen at its own pace. yes, anything would still be mine if it’s meant to be mine. yes, every day would always have the same routine for me and for everyone. but i still need to try my best with everything. i still need to do my part as much as i can, and then let the rest for God to handle.

i don’t know for other people, but for me, every day would always be boring. nothing is exciting enough, nothing is new enough. everything under the sun is not new. it is already there before. but even though it is boring, even though nothing is challenging enough for me, i still need to move and try to find out something new for me, something to keeps my soul alive. because being ignorant doesn’t help me anything. in fact, i just let my soul die a little bit every single day by doing that.

having no goals and aims is not fun. letting every day slips away is not fun. what is fun for me is letting myself explore anything, trying anything, doing anything, to at least experience something in a day. what is fun is being involved in a process of life. what is fun is trying to make the most out of things i own at the moment. yes, i know that it will not be easy, i would still have ups and downs just like everyone, but at the very least, i could create and fill my life with experiences while i’m alive. it doesn’t mean that i start to be ambitious with my goals, but i do want to create and fill my book of life with the story that i want. of course, some unwanted stories will also be there, but i will see it as a complementary of the wanted things. i will call it the spices of the food.

now, i have come to accept my life as it is. i understand that not every single day in my life will be exciting. i understand that most of my days may be ordinary, a little bit too ordinary maybe, but it is okay. i could still make use of the boring days and moments as a way to daydream and imagine things. who knows that maybe i could get some amazing and fantastic inspirations from there? i understand but i still need to try to remember that not every day should be spent working and not every day should be spent relaxing.

everyone’s life is similar. the basic life of everyone is just the same. the difference is only located in the lifestyle and how each of us spends and makes use of our time alive. i’m far from making the most out of my life, but then, nothing is perfect in this world, right? so, i will accept it and continue the journey of life.

’till we meet again, friend!

 

with love,

 

Leave a Reply