a tiny bit of myself

a tiny bit of myself #1

after so long i tried to make this kind of online journal/diary, i finally make it tonight. recently, i’ve been doing many manual journaling, which was using a notebook. but after several months of using it, i started to get bored and kinda lazy to write my thoughts in it. so, here i am, ranting on midnight in my own blog.

i think this kind of journal is actually a private one, so i better write it in my notebook, right? but some parts of me want to share the thoughts i always have. i actually thought about sharing it on instagram, whether on stories or feed, but again… i think my instagram feels too official and segmented right now. my main account has been functioning as a platform to share things about self-help and learning chinese language, while my second account also has been functioning as a portfolio of progress that i make about drawing. tiktok? hoho, i have one, but i don’t have the feeling to put my thoughts there. 60 seconds for my night rants? ugh, too short.  well, it’s not like i have a lot of followers there, but still, i don’t want to mix things up and share the ugly part of me there where people could easily read and find it. here is not too private and not too public as well, so this is my only choice.

tonight is a little bit different than usual. i usually think about how can i get and earn more income, or what kind of content that contained values that i should bring up to instagram and tiktok and youtube, and so and so. but tonight, i was thinking about starting a new project of mine, then thinking about the future plan that i’ve been planning for a while, then also thinking about life and reality and the irony of time.

first, starting a new project. i myself already have a lot of things going hand in hand, from working 9-to-5, then chinese course for almost an hour every single day, also producing content for instagram and youtube. i need time to read and draw and cook because i sometimes want to cook things, i also need time to watch k-dramas and other movies, or maybe documentary about someone else’s life and their opinions and their thoughts, then also time for taking out my camera for photographing and videographing. i literally want too many things at a time, which i have known for sure that maybe it would be too overwhelming for me, but i still want to give it a try. but then, here i am, trying to start another project about making cute stickers and trying to sell it online while i know for sure that i will be the one who is responsible for doing every process of it, from drawing, to printing, and cutting, to preparing the orders, and package the orders, and also ship the orders. it will be a lot of work, but still, i want to give it a try. will i really do it? i don’t know. let’s see.

second, thinking about the future plan. i will be starting college this year on september. let’s pray that by then, this corona-virus has come to an end, or maybe things will get better. i don’t which one should come first. i was planning of taking marketing communication major, but then my mom know me so well that she insists that i should be taking visual design communication instead. the thing is, i have tried my best to postpone college not because i don’t want to attend college, but because i want to save enough money so i could pay the tuition fee myself. that’s why i worked for the past two years. but then again, my mom loves me so well that she said she will be the one who is paying my tuition fee, so i could stop working and focus on my university. i definitely did and will try my best to decline her offer to stop working and let her pay my tuition fee, buttttt i start to think whether i should be taking marketing communication or visual design communication. ugh, why is this thing called choosing major is so freaking hard? well, if i have to be honest, i think taking visual design communication will be more fun and suitable for me, because i like it more than i like to talk or speak in public. but the univ for visual design communication takes too far place from where my office and home are located. also, i’m afraid if i try to go to college with visual design communication as a major while i also work at the office, i wouldn’t be able to handle all the tasks. actually, up until here, i start to sigh much more than before. what should i choose? and what should i do? i practically do not know the answers.

third, reality and life and time. i was scrolling through my instagram account when i ran into a member of my big family’s ig account. it’s been so long since the last time i saw her and her family. part of me is missing her, and us. but seeing her ig account suddenly made me tear. i saw a photo of mine which i don’t even remember that she ever mentioned me with that picture, saying happy birthday to myself. i smiled. then, i started to stalk her account. i started by seeing her ig feed, then her ig stories, trying to catch up with her life all these times where i didn’t even contact her. seeing how she lives her life, what kind of experience that she had experienced while i didn’t remember her, i started to get emotional. time flies soooooo fast. we were very young and small and know nothing about life when we were playing together. and then we started to part ways, with me trying to survive this life independently, trying to not make a fuss and bothering my parents, trying to figuring things out by myself, while she was having fun with her friends and enjoy her youth. i start to question myself because i somehow envy her. why do i have to be very early when it comes to thinking and realizing all things about life? why do i have to understand all the struggles that we have to face as an adult, that my parents have to go through, when i was not even old enough? why can’t i enjoy my youth just like she did? then, the next question after all those ‘why’ came in. who is the wrong one? me who is too early for maturing, or her for enjoying her own life? is it wrong to have more empathy and to think harder than anyone around my age does? at this point, i started to think that i have been very negative about my life and her life. i think nothing or no one’s life is wrong. i did what i have done purely based on my mind and feeling and choice. she did what she has done and is doing purely by the life she has. i realize that it is just the best way for each of us to live our own lives differently, so there is nothing or no one to blame.

at this kind of moment, i start to feel many emotions easily. i was listening to a song on youtube from oh wonder titled ‘in and out of love’ when suddenly i start to breathe heavily. i kinda envy her life from here, where she has the love of her life, her soul, where both of them are living their dreams, and i wish they are living happily. a few nights ago, i dreamed of a really strange and weird dream. i dreamed of my ex who i never contacted in months. we were together when we were around 13, so don’t expect anything. we remained friends even after the break-up. i don’t even know why i suddenly dreamed about him where i don’t have feelings for him anymore. or maybe, i still have it? well, i don’t know. our relationship was not that serious anyway. we were just a very young people who feel comfortable for a very short amount of time. i didn’t give that dream much thought until i listened to that music. suddenly my mind started to wander to the time where i and he were in a relationship. i don’t know about him and i don’t want to know it either because, again, that was not a serious relationship, but for me, i know it clearly that my feelings for him at that time were honest and pure. the song, however, reminded me of the time where i feel loved after a very long time of trying to get it from my closest ones at home, and where i loved someone that deep. have you ever heard a quote that said, ‘what you actually miss from your past relationship is not the person itself but the memories you two had together’? this is a very right sentence for me tonight. i miss the feeling of being loved and loving someone so dearly. i miss the moments where we spent our time like we own the world, and there is no one around us. the song i listened to make me realize that i envy them, not because they are doing better than me, but because i currently don’t have the butterfly and all those happy lovey dovey things that they are having while singing the song.

anyway, after hours of thinking and writing, i compiled my own conclusion for tonight’s rants. first, don’t take things way more than what you, or i, can handle. two, things do change rapidly and unexpectedly anyway, so don’t worry too much about things that have not happened yet. take baby steps, one at a time, and do not think too hard about what to choose. when the time come, you will know it, or that’s what i wish for myself. third, time do flies quickly, so do the best thing you could do at this moment. don’t wait for tomorrow or later, just do it now. when you think about why life is unfair, don’t even seek for answers, because it will only make you sad. just live for today and make the most out of it. ‘why’ questions is dangerous because it leads you to think and believe your own conclusion, which is not a reality, but a result of your overthinking mind. ask ‘what’, not ‘why’. ask what kind of things you can do at this time, or what things that would make you happier and make the world a better place to live. fourth, it is okay to feel, it is okay to be yourself, for being honest and blunt and pure, for being courageous and adventurous and unstoppable, for being a person with kind- and soft- and baby-hearted. when you feel something, then you feel it. it is just the same when you are feeling sad, or missing someone or the moments, or feeling happy.

tonight’s rant marks the first series of a tiny bit of myself. i don’t know if i will make another one of this because this is just so long and too honest of myself, but i enjoy tonight’s writing and sharing process. don’t forget to live your life to the fullest.

much love,
aini.

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