a tiny bit of myself Journal Self

a reflection of mine.

this is my second writings in august, around 2 weeks after my last post. is it important that i should mentioned it? no. but, i do need to mention it because it is very unusual of me to post this soon after another. basically, after the past 2 weeks, many things had happened which led me to a complicated version of myself. in order to try letting go all of my endless and unnecessary thoughts, i will do a reflection and dump it here, as my own random jottings.

as of august 8th, i was spending my time, a whole day, with my family, with a trip to Anyer. such a beautiful and special day for myself because, if you never read anything related to this, me and my family is not a beautiful and complete and full of harmony-kind of family. my family is just… complicated. so, of course, going to a place just for fun, we have nothing that we need to do, was such a blessing for me. i really cherished that moment, until i and my family decided to go back home. shortly, my grandpa fell sick. he was having stroke, because suddenly his left side of the whole body is paralyzed.

at that night, the moment we arrived at our home, we brought him to the hospital and he quickly being hospitalized. over the time he was hospitalized as his condition was getting worse, i was unsure whether i am ready or not to be left behind by him. the past 3 months with him being on my side, where i got to see him every morning right after i wake up and every night before i go to sleep, gave me so many chances to have a close and intimate moments with him. at one point, i felt grateful to have those chances and become so close with him, but on the other hand, i also felt… sad, guilty, unready. but despite all the feelings i had, i tried my best to convince myself that i am ready, and i will be okay even if i have to let him go, because being hospitalized with so many things on and in your body without the ability to even talk or move your own body is definitely frustrating and painful. so, rather than seeing him in so much pain, i tried to have a conversation with my own self, that it is okay for him to go, as it was also his wishes so he could see his beloved wife up there.

while my grandpa was hospitalized, far before that, i have made a plan to go for a trip to sumba island. it was supposed to be from august 17th to 20th. i thought, my grandpa’s case will be done in a week, either he would be gone, or he would be healed. but, until august 15th, there was no signs of him getting better or worse. he was just, there. so, with all of my heart even though it left me feeling sad and disappointed, i decided to cancel the trip to the destination that i always dreamed all these times.

lastly on saturday, august 22th late at night, i just arrived at home for about 30 minutes when suddenly i got a call from my uncle who was planning to stay the night at the hospital accompanying my grandpa. he said, my grandpa has stopped breathing. the moment i heard that sentence, nothing came across my mind. it was just, silence. my realistic self started to waking my whole soul and at least tried my best to be sane. i let my uncle speak to my mom, and while she was getting the phone, i prepared my self to drive her to the hospital. i did not cry for the next two hours, i guess? i don’t know why, i was just felt nothing. my mind was blank, and my heart felt nothing. it took me minutes to cry right after my aunt came hours later and hugged my with so much tears on her face. time flew so fast until it was already sunday when i realized the whole thing that happened. i have lost my beloved grandpa.

the past week was really a roller coaster for me. since early of august, i have felt demotivated and lack of energy. i did not do my usual mandarin post on instagram, i also did not record anything related to my youtube channel. literally, i did nothing except going to work and attend chinese online class every day. i spent my weekend back then just to daydreaming or hanging out with my friends, and suddenly everything feels worse since last week. if only i could find a good place with no one around, maybe i will sit there for hours, think about nothing, and definitely cry a river. i feel suffocated not only because of the death of my beloved grandpa, but also myself. why do i have to lack of energy and did nothing? why did i not make any progress regarding my own personal projects and my self-development? why do i feel stuck and anxious about nothing and desperate for something that i couldn’t even describe very well?

honestly, now everything feels suffocating and frustrating.

but if i have to see the brighter side of anything that has happened to me, i still get it though. at the very least, my grandpa is not sick anymore, although now my home feels a little bit empty and too calm. also, at least i get to save more money because i didn’t go with that trip. then, what else? at least, i get more time to rest and relax. is that make sense? well, i think it is pretty fine.

despite all of the things that i have gone through this month, i just want to reflect some things in my life. i think the reason i felt demotivated was not because of anything. it was purely my own self that, maybe, dissatisfied with my self or my works, or even my life. the death of my grandpa was an additional to everything that was in my life at that time, but it didn’t make my burdens heavier or my thoughts more complicated. the problem is not in those very problems but instead, it is in me, myself. i still have no good control over my own mind, letting it controlling my feelings so i could feel dissatisfied, unhappy, grief. if anything needs to be done right now, maybe i need to get myself together first, gather all the scattered feelings after the storm that has gone passed me, and then put and stick it together again.

recently i have learned that every storm that come to us, surely will break us into pieces. i have no doubt on that. but then, what can we do with all of the scattered pieces? do we have to just let it be that way, or do we have a way to at least make it useful again? i think even if we cannot put it altogether right now, we still could put it one by one, slowly but surely. i know it is easier being said than done. i myself need to go through it, but we all have no better choices, huh? at the very last, i think i need to learn on how to take things slowly and not make it complicated in my mind, because it has led me to a rise of acute gastric acid.

me to my own self,

Leave a Reply