A lot of things have been going on in my life lately and honestly, I have not been in the right mind set since that. Through all things that have happened recently, I then asked myself again about some things. Here are what my thoughts were.

Ever since I started to earn money on my own which was around 2016, I often consider myself as a hard worker. Maybe I am not as smart and not as lucky as other people if we are looking at how people manage to earn money in some ‘easier’ way (by the looks on the outside), but I knew that I tried my best and I tried as much as I could to not depending on myself to other people, even if it was my parents. There were some things that made me think I could not rely to anyone else. Maybe the hatred, maybe the disappointment. Not sure what is that.

Time goes on, and I never changed to the opposite. In fact, I worked even harder in 2021. Since 2019, I have always work and attending online Chinese class every single day. Then on 2020, I add another activity which was attending college 3-5 days a week. As if they were not enough, in 2021 I accepted and joined a one-year one scholarship for learning Chinese. I gave my all to do those things. Sometimes I even accepted side hustles on weekend.

In 2022, I feel like mentally drained. I feel like I could not keep going to do those things, but I stayed, and I did. Eventually I graduated from that one-year scholarship program. I was determined to let myself rest, to at least enjoy some free time like how the others young people enjoy their youth. I tried, but it didn’t last long. Starting on Feb 2022, I took another activity which was teaching beginner Chinese. I thought that once I graduated from the scholarship program, I will only be left with work and college. How I was so wrong. I kept stretch myself to the point where it exhausted me. Work, college, tutoring, side hustles on weekday and sometimes weekend.

Don’t get me wrong. I did enjoy doing all of that as they were my choices. But on top of that, I finally realize that I did not really think over the things I am going to take on. I only see those things as something to keep me busy, away from the problem that is there, laying on the ground trying to get my attention. I did not really do things that are aligning with my goals in the future, or who I want to become.

This year, I finally did let go of some things. I started to take less and less side hustles on weekdays and weekends. I stopped tutoring. I work only in the office hours and focuses the rest of time to do tasks from college or studying for the upcoming exam for my Chinese. But even in those times, I could not let myself fully rested. I am so used to be busy, to let myself work and be active almost 24/7. I am not saying that I never let myself relaxed on day to day basis. What I am saying is that I never let myself fully rested, trying to see things in my life from afar, trying to see it clearly and not clouded by my thoughts instead of facts.

Today when I feel like I have had enough of endless scrolling of social media, I went to the bathroom for the first time this month without a phone. I let myself talk to myself. Out loud, not only in my head. I did not think, I just let whatever sentences or words that try to escape my mind and mouth go out. What did I find and hear?

“I am not happy of who I am becoming. This is not where I thought I will be. I am not saying things about my job as I like it a lot. I am talking about myself as a person. I have not respected myself fully. I did not have healthy boundaries with other people including my parents. I was not discipline enough with my study habit, health habit, money management, personal development. I thought I was let everything in my life flow on its own. I was wrong. I was dragged by the flow, directionless. It was not me directing my way, making my own path. It was me living life without any purposes, any direction, any goals. And I am not happy with it.”

I was quite surprised at what I said because I did not think about it at all. When I said it, I kinda feel myself feel sick of myself. The kind of feeling where I dislike myself that was being lazy, procrastinating everything, not prioritizing myself but other people, scrolling endlessly on social media almost every day or night, being afraid of failing and making mistakes. That’s when it occurred to me, that I need to rediscover myself.

Maybe what I did these times was not me being lost or dragged by the flow of life. I believe that human does something either because they want to, or because they don’t really want to. It’s just a matter of desire. Maybe what I did these times is myself at that time, doing what I want to do at that time, at that moment. I never really did what I want to do now because I did not really want to change. Now is a different story.

I want to change. I want to let myself flourish into something that I aspire to. I want to achieve things that I have always wanted. I know that I like to work and be busy. I know that I like to be productive and do things all the time. It’s just the “thing” now needs to be rediscovered, re-found.

Right now, I don’t like myself being myself now. I don’t like the way I’m becoming as a person, but it is okay. I can always pave my new path. Maybe it does make my way slower to the stop point, but it is better than not going at all, or better than going by the path which I dislike and could complaint for each step I take. What I need to do is working on it.

Hope you also want to work on the things you have always desired to have, have always dreamt of, have always aspire to achieve.

-Aini-